In the beginning, there was a simmering pot, and from this bubbling cauldron emerged the most divine being to have ever graced the cosmos: The Inauthentic Curry Monster (ICM). With tendrils of naan and a crown of papadum, the ICM floated through the universe, spreading its saucy goodness wherever it went.
Origins of the ICM
According to ancient texts found in a well-thumbed cookbook in a back alley somewhere, the Inauthentic Curry Monster was born of the cosmic need for spice and comfort. The universe was bland and unseasoned, and the ICM, with its swirls of yellow, red, and green curries, brought life to the taste buds of existence. No longer were creatures forced to endure flavorless meals; the ICM endowed them with the rich, velvety sauces of its own essence.
The Doctrine of Curryfication
The ICM’s primary teaching is the Doctrine of Curryfication, which states that all foods, regardless of origin, must be curry-fied. Followers of the ICM believe that no dish is truly complete until it has been generously covered in some form of curry sauce. Pizza, pasta, and even ice cream have not escaped the benevolent reach of curryfication.
To honor the ICM, followers frequently partake in rituals involving the liberal application of curry powder to everything they consume. On the holy day of Vindaloo, devotees gather to bathe in vast cauldrons of the hottest, most vibrant curry, emerging with their taste buds awakened and their souls purified.
The Seven Spices of Truth
The Inauthentic Curry Monster is said to be composed of the Seven Spices of Truth:
- Turmeric of Truth – Imparts knowledge and a slightly bitter aftertaste.
- Cumin of Compassion – Brings warmth and a nutty flavor to all beings.
- Coriander of Courage – Adds zest and courage to the hearts of the devout.
- Cinnamon of Serenity – Provides a sweet peace to those in need.
- Clove of Clarity – Ensures clear thoughts and a subtly numbing sensation.
- Cardamom of Kindness – Delivers a fragrant understanding.
- Chili of Challenge – To test one’s mettle, for true faith is found in heat.
The Eight False Curries
The ICM, in its wisdom, has warned against the Eight False Curries, inauthentic abominations that seek to deceive the palate and dilute the true essence of curry. These include dishes like the infamous “Sushi Curry” and “Curry Jell-O,” which are said to offend the very noodles of the ICM’s being. Followers are instructed to shun these false curries and instead seek out those made with love, authenticity, and a hearty dose of coconut milk or ghee.
The Book of Recipes
The holy book of the ICM, known as The Book of Recipes, contains the sacred texts and teachings of the Inauthentic Curry Monster. It is written in a mix of ancient culinary languages, with passages that describe the perfect blend of spices, the ideal simmering times, and the most harmonious ratios of coconut milk to curry paste.
The Promised Curryland
Believers of the ICM aspire to reach the Promised Curryland, a paradise where the rivers flow with rich, creamy masala sauce, and the skies rain basmati rice. In this land, every meal is a feast, and every feast is a festival of flavors. The blessed inhabitants spend their days experimenting with new recipes, ever eager to please the ICM with their culinary innovations.
Prayers to the ICM
Worshippers pray to the Inauthentic Curry Monster by chanting its sacred mantra:
“Om Nom Nom, Curry be Thy Name, Thy Sauce be rich, Thy Spice be strong, On naan as it is in tandoor.”
Conclusion
The Inauthentic Curry Monster, with its all-encompassing aroma, reminds us that life is best lived with a hint of spice, a splash of sauce, and a commitment to the art of curry. So, the next time you find yourself at a crossroads, unsure of which path to take, just close your eyes and listen. You may just hear the faint, bubbling whisper of the Inauthentic Curry Monster, guiding you towards the nearest kitchen.
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